If You Never Try.....

Part 1

"Ice skating? That's your grand idea to pass the time?"

"What's with the tone, Jonny-boy? It'll be fun!"

"Chris, I thought I made it clear that I can't ice skate."

"Yes, but I intend to teach you." Jonny sighed. "Okay, I give in. But when I meet my icy death, I'm blaming you."

"Fair enough," Chris replied, his laughter ringing out like bells in the frosty air. Jonny couldn't help but notice the way it echoed across the tiny clearing, making it sound even lovelier than it usually seemed to him.

"Jon, are you going to put on your skates or not?"

"Oh." Jonny blinked, trying to free himself of the daze that he was accustomed to experiencing whenever Chris was near. The lanky man was standing before him, a pair of old black skates dangling in his hand, a similar pair on his own feet. He knew he should probably reach out and take the skates, but instead he just gawked at him.

"Yeah I know, the scenery here is beautiful," Chris smiled appreciatively, shoving the skates into Jonny's arms. "Scenery? Oh yes, it's lovely."

Jonny didn't think he sounded very convincing. But Chris seemed to think he was sincere. He stood back to take it in,his blue eyes shining with admiration as he gazed upon the tiny clearing surrounded by snow dusted trees. Sunlight reflected across the frozen pond and made it shimmer. But Jonny only noticed the way the light hit Chris's eyes and made them shine brighter than ever. He looked down quickly, trying to avoid eye contact.

"Hey, these are my old skates. Where'd you find these?"

Chris replied with exuberance mirroring that of a four year old. "In my basement last year while I was spring cleaning! Can you believe it!? And I found mine too!" He pointed to his own feet.

"I think I've only used these like, once." He paused for a moment, piecing together long-forgotten memories. "It was here, at this very place."

"Yep," responded Chris with a wide grin.

“I can’t believe you remembered.”

“How could I forget? I think we fell about a hundred times that day,” he replied, sharing a laugh with Jonny. Chris looked around the place lovingly. “This was the first thing we ever did as friends, wasn’t it?”

“Yes, I remember it well now that you’ve brought it up. You must’ve seen me sitting in that café by myself. You came up to my table and asked me if I was new to London. I believe I nodded, and you told me you were new to the city as well.” Jonny smiled appreciatively. “And then you asked me if I had made any friends yet.”

He smiled even wider as the memory of that day became clearer and clearer in his mind. Even from the first time he saw Chris, curly wild mess of hair and all, he knew he loved him. It was quite literally love at first sight. There had never been a doubt in his mind from that day on that Chris was the person he wanted to spend the rest of his life with.

Chris laughed, or more accurately, scoffed, at the dug-up past. “I was such a loser back then.”

Jonny frowned. “Chris you were never a loser. Even back then I thought you were the coolest person ever. You treated me like a good friend you had known for years; with only a few sentences you made me feel like I was wanted.”

Jonny was slightly shocked that he had just said those things. That was the closest he had ever come to a love confession. It was a scary feeling, but it was also liberating.

“Aww, Jonny-boy that’s so sweet of you to say.” He wrapped is long arm around Jonny’s neck and ruffled his hair playfully. Jonny felt his feelings of freedom fade away. He would never be able to tell Chris how he felt, because Chris did not feel the same way. He sighed a bit too loudly. Chris inferred that he didn’t want the playful attention, so he removed his arm and took a step back. Jonny very nearly rolled his eyes. As if there’d come a day when he didn’t want Chris to touch him.

“Alright you need to get those skates on your feet Jon. There’s only a few hours of daylight left and you’re not getting out of this.” He wagged his finger playfully.

“Yes master”.


Part 2

Ten grueling minutes later, Jonny finally managed to put on the skates. But getting the skates on were the least of his troubles. He tentatively stood and cautiously made his way to the edge of the pond. Chris was already gliding around the pond’s small circumference.

“Come on Jon, you’ll do fine!” He gestured to Jonny to join him.

Carefully, he stepped onto the ice, wobbling and keeping his arms out wide to keep from falling, which he thought must have been a ridiculous sight. But Chris didn’t laugh at him. Instead he skated behind Jonny, grabbing his forearms to help support his weight and help him keep his balance. Once he could finally stand without assistance, Chris turned swiftly so that he was facing him.

“I can’t do this Chris.” What he really couldn’t do was handle such close contact with Chris, but obviously he couldn’t tell him that.

“Here, I’ll help you.” Before Jonny had time to breathe, Chris grabbed onto his hands and began pulling him slowly across the ice.

Jonny was shocked by the unexpected contact, although he knew he shouldn’t be. Chris was always like this. But he couldn’t help it, every touch was like an ocean wave that took him by surprise and stole his breath away. He tried to speak, but instead just stared wide-eyed at Chris.
“Don’t look so frightened. I won’t let anything happen to you.” He smiled encouragingly.

“When did you get so good at this? You told me after that first time that you would never skate again.” Chris blushed. “Oh…well, I found that I liked it more than I thought.”

“So when did you-“

“Remember all those times I told you I was going to study at the library? I was actually here, practicing.”

“Well, I knew you weren’t at the library. I went there once, to talk to you, but you weren’t there. I just figured you were on a date or something.”

“A date?” Chris laughed loudly. “Yeah, right. Like there were hundreds of girls just lined up to date me.”

“Oh come on Chris, don’t be like that.” But secretly, Jonny felt relieved knowing that all those “library” plans hadn’t actually been dates. All this time, he had thought that was the case. He had come to the library that one day to tell Chris that he loved him. But upon finding out he wasn’t there he lost his courage and gave up all hope of ever bringing his feelings to light, automatically assuming Chris was already with someone else. However, upon looking back, he thought it had been a foolish thing to do.

They came to a patch of thin ice and Chris turned sharply, tightening his grip on Jonny’s hands. Jonny felt the crisp air hit his face as he was pulled quickly around the bad patch of ice and was flooded with even more memories of the day, long ago, when he had come here with Chris.

It had been so cold that day, and yet the sky was as blue, well not quite as blue, as Chris’s eyes. They had spent more time on their butts than on their skates, but Jonny had laughed more than he ever had before.

He remembered one particularly nasty fall he had taken. Instantly Chris had been in front of him, outstretching his hand to help him back up. Of course, this just caused them both to fall back in a heap. But what Jonny remembered most was the feel of Chris’s hand in his. And that feeling felt as lovely now as it had back then, if not lovelier.

He loved the way Chris’s hands fit into his own. He got a warm feeling inside, despite the cold. He felt his heart begin to race.

Over the years, Jonny had always believed he had gained a sense of control over his feelings for Chris. He normally practiced a unique ability of keeping those emotions locked up, never to see the light of day. But he could now feel those defenses weakening, and he wondered what it would feel like to pull Chris in close to him, to press his thin body against his own, to hold onto him and never let go.

He silently began to panic, terrified that he’d attempt to make one of his fantasies a reality and lose his best friend in a sea of unrequited feelings.

"I'm fine Chris, I can do this alone now."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes, yes, I'm sure. Just let go of me already."

"Okay, okay," muuttered Chris, sounding hurt.

Jonny felt bad, but it wasn't his fault that Chris made him feel this way. It was his own fault, for having those heart stopping looks and that enormously magnetic personality.


Part 3

Unfortunately, lost in his musings, Jonny didn't notice the small rock embedded in the ice until it was too late, and in a matter of seconds he lay sprawled on the cold, unforgiving surface. And before he had time to get his bearings Chris had skidded to a stop at his side and kneeled in front of him.

"Are you okay Jonny? I'm sorry, I shouldn't have let you try this yourself."

"I'm fine. It's not your fault, I wanted to do it alone. It was stupid of me." He slowly sat up and to his relief didn't feel any immediate pains. But he did have a strange sense that the world was spinning. Chris inhaled sharply.

"Oh shit Jon, you're bleeding." Chris reached out and tenderly touched a small gash on the side of Jonny's head.

"Ow." Jonny instinctively reached up to touch the wounded area, and upon inspection of his fingers found that he was indeed bleeding. Chris's eyes widened with fear. "Hold on, I brought a first aid kit."

Jonny knew he would be fine but figured he'd let Chris play the role of the doting mother for Chris's own sake. He knew that Chris would continue to blame himself for the injury, but he also knew that Chris would feel a little better if he could do something to help.

He soon returned with first aid kit in hand and an all-business expression to boot. Yes, Chris was definitely blaming himself. Jonny could easily read that in his expression.

"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. It's my fault, it really is. I promised I wouldn't let anything happen to you."

Chris reached out to bandage the injury, but Jonny grabbed hold of his arm. "No, Chris. You're not touching me again until you admit that this is not your fault." Chris glared at Jonny, and Jonny glared right back.

"Fine. It's not my fault," he mumbled.

"Thank you." Jonny then allowed Chris to finish tending to the wound because, metaphorically, by doing this Chris was mending his own conscience.

When he finished, Jonny flashed him a weak smile. "Chris, with my complete lack of ability this was bound to happen at some point."

"Well I'm just happy you're okay," responded Chris with a serious tone. Clearly he was unwilling to laugh it off so easily. "Here, let me help you up." He reached out his hand and pulled Jonny to his feet. This time neither of them fell in a heap.

Jonny sighed. "Would it make you feel any better if I sat down and had a rest?"

"Yes," replied Chris, sounding relieved. Once off the ice Chris led Jonny to a rotting log where they both sat, watching the afternoon pass; Chris fidgeting constantly but Jonny still as a statue. Jonny wondered what Chris was thinking. He only wished that this place held the same meaning for Chris as it did for him.

He figured Chris thought of it as the start of a good friendship, but Jonny thought of it as the start of something much more. He sighed yet again. This was so frustrating. He sometimes wished he could be a mind reader. He wouldn't abuse the gift, but it sure would be a nice thing to have in times such as these. Then he wouldn't need to have such doubts.

Chris must've heard the sigh, because he looked up and much to Jonny's delight no longer seemed to be guilt ridden. "Do you want to try it again Jonny?"

"No, sorry. Ice skating simply isn't my thing."

"Are you sure? You're getting better you know."

"No, it's alright."

"Well do you want to leave then?"

"Let's just stay here a while longer."

Chris smiled. "Good because I don't want to leave either."

Jonny figured this place must have some strange power to draw people in. The same kind of power that Chris had. Jonny glanced at him longingly. The sun hit a certain point in the sky then, and Chris's messy curls caught the light in a certain way that caused them to appear orange and red, as if they were on fire. Like Jonny was on fire now, looking at him.

He considered the fact that if he had not gone ice skating that first time, he wouldn't have had this beautiful man by his side. He imagined what might've happened if he had made his confession of love all those years ago. There was no way to know how Chris might've felt after knowing the truth. And there was still no way to know now. Then again, there might be one way.

"Chris?"

"Yeah," he questioned, turning towards him. His eyes were brighter than Jonny had ever seen them. He suddenly felt dizzy and weak. Perhaps his injury was more serious than he had thought. He shook his head, but the feeling wouldn't leave. Jonny had a sinking suspicion that it never would, unless he found out the truth.

"Chris," he repeated again, "there is....one thing I would like to try."

"And what might that be?" Chris's voices sounded quite close, and Jonny realized that he had been unknowingly moving towards him. For a moment he tried to look away, tried to turn back and return to his place on the log, but he knew he could not.

Chris's eyes took up his entire field of vision, as vast as the sea and far bluer. Jonny had to know. He had to know what those eyes saw in him.

Chris repeated himself slowly. "What might that be Jon?"

"This," he whispered.

He took Chris's head in his hands and brought his perfectly formed lips to his own. He pulled away after only a few seconds, hardly believing what he had just done.

"Chris I'm sorry. I don't know what came over me," he stammered, feeling the fear rising in his chest.

"Don't be sorry. It can be good to try new things." He smiled slyly and returned Jonny's gesture, with more passion this time. After a long moment they finally pulled away from each other, their cheeks flushed and their eyes shining.

"You're right Chris," breathed Jonny, "it certainly can."



THE END