Gnomes

Part 1

“Where are those two!!?? They have been gone for hours!”

“Of course they have Chris! That list you gave them was nearly a mile long!”

“It was not! That was just the basic essentials necessary for starting your very own garden. I read it all in the book!”

Jonny rolled his eyes as Chris picked up the large red book from the table he stood beside and waved it around wildly in the air. Chris had hardly put it down since he had begun reading it. Jonny almost regretted ever pointing it out to him.

He had just been trying to do a nice thing for the poor man. About a month or so ago his long time girlfriend had dumped him, and Chris had been feeling under the weather ever since. Jonny hated to see him so down. Chris had often mentioned a long time dream he had for starting his own garden one day. But after the breakup he had seemed to forget all of his quirky dreams.

Jonny decided that Chris needed a hobby, something to take his mind off of his aching heart. And one day while at some old bookstore which Guy had dragged them to, Jonny noticed the book. It was like a bright red sign. It seemed to speak to Jonny. “This is what Chris needs,” it said.

So Jonny grabbed Chris by his skinny little arm and pulled him over to it. Chris didn’t seem interested at first. The whole month since the breakup he had been much more distant. But after shoving the book into his hands Jonny somehow convinced him to actually open it. And once he started he didn’t stop. He read that book cover to cover. Jonny thought he might even have eaten or breathed in the words.

Because now he was certainly eating and breathing gardening. It was all he ever thought about, all he ever talked about. And there wasn’t even a garden yet. Jonny was actually beginning to get worried. But he figured that this was better than all the moping.

He was taken from his musings by the sound of Chris grumbling. He looked up to see the man pacing wildly back and forth on the patio of the home he shared with Jonny. It was technically Jonny’s place, but ever since the end of the relationship Chris said he couldn’t bear to live in his apartment anymore.

Jonny was more than willing to open his doors to the man. He had plenty of space, and if he was being honest, more times than not he felt lonely in the large place. It was nice to have another person there.

Someone to come home to. And even someone to fight with. Yes, he even enjoyed arguing with Chris. It was better than arguing with himself, which he had a tendency to do when he was alone with nothing but his thoughts.

Sometimes he still did argue with himself. Lately the arguments were worrying him. They were all centered around Chris. About whether or not he should do certain things. Should he ask him to go to the bar with him when he was looking particularly depressed? Should he hug him when he shivered with the cold? Would it be okay if he sat so close to him on the couch that their legs were touching?

He didn’t know what to think anymore. He had never wondered about these kinds of things before. Or maybe he had, just less frequently. But now that Chris was always around there were always questions like that nagging at him.

At one point he had become so troubled that he had brought the matter up with Guy and Will. They weren’t much help. They barely even said anything in reply. They just exchanged looks and then turned to him and shrugged. That was just a few days ago. And it left Jonny more confused than ever.

Once again Jonny was pulled sharply away from his thoughts when Chris uttered a cry of frustration. “Where are they!? The sun is setting! Look at it Jonny! It’s sunk more than halfway down the sky already!”

Jonny took a deep breath and prepared to try calming the excitable man. Then he let it out again in a sigh of relief when he saw Guy and Will coming through the back gate, large boxes filled with supplies in their arms.

Grunting, Guy set his box down hard on the table. “Geez Chris, why didn’t you just ask us to buy the store for you?”

“Don’t be such a little baby, Guy. So Chris wants a garden. I don’t think it’s much to ask, especially considering what he’s gone through recently.” He whispered the last part through clenched teeth so Chris couldn’t hear.

Guy grumbled loudly, but then went back to the front where the truck they had taken was parked. There were still several more boxes to unload. Most of them were filled with soil. Some contained various gardening tools. There was one box that was filled to the brim with all kinds of seeds, both for flowers and for vegetables. Chris had made it clear he wanted to start this garden from scratch.

Jonny helped Will and Guy to carry the remaining boxes out back. Chris was too busy panicking. At one point he actually began to yell at the sun. Then Jonny sat him down and gave him a lecture. That didn’t do much. Then Will gave him a harsh glare. He calmed down considerably after that. He even came around to the front and stood still long enough to overview the unloading of the boxes.

Everything was going fine until Guy grabbed the last box. When he walked by Chris, Chris saw the contents of the box and let out a shrill screech. Guy screamed in response and dropped the box on his foot.

“Fuck!” he yelled, hopping up and down. “What the hell Chris!”

Will hurried around front, followed by Jonny. “What’s with all racket over here?” he asked, not sounding too pleased. Jonny just watched the scene, trying not to chuckle.

Chris had a look of pure terror on his face, and Guy looked absolutely furious, yet at the same time it was hilarious to watch him bouncing around on one foot while Chris stared at the box with his eyes bulging out of his head as if he had seen a ghost.

Guy pointed at Chris and spoke through clenched teeth. “CHRIS happened,” he growled. “I was carrying the box and he started screeching like a fucking howler monkey during mating season! So I dropped the damn thing on my foot. I think it’s broken….,” he whimpered.

“Enough of your whining Guy. You sound like a little girl. Your foot is about as broken as that brand new record player I just bought.”

“Yeah…..about that. It might have had….an accident yesterday.”

Will’s face turned red. He looked like he was about to explode. “Take a deep breath,” Jonny advised him. He did, multiple times, before he managed to calm down again.

“Chris, why did you scream like that?” he asked, turning to the horrified man. “You act like you just got stabbed!”

“Oh Will….it’s FAR worse than that,” he replied, shakily.

“What, Chris?” Will rubbed his face with frustration.

“There…there…..there are GNOMES in that box!!!!”



Part 2

Will just stared at him. He couldn’t believe what he had just heard. He opened his mouth to say something, anything. But he was cut off by Guy.

“What’s wrong with gnomes!?” he asked. “I LIKE them!” He turned up his nose in a smug expression. “And that is why I bought them. They will make a great addition to the garden.”

“I will NEVER forgive you for this!” Chris declared, jabbing one long finger into Guy’s chest.

“YOU will never forgive ME!?” Guy exclaimed indignantly. “YOU’RE the one who broke my damn foot!”

“Your foot’s not broken! You’re standing on it!” Chris cried, pointing at Guy’s feet, both now planted firmly on the ground. “I’M the one with something broken! My poor little innocent spirit….utterly destroyed upon looking into the eyes of those horrible creatures!”

He fell dramatically to the ground and moaned. Guy rolled his eyes. Will shook his head. Jonny bent down and stretched out his hand to Chris. “Stand up, man. You are embarrassing yourself.” Reluctantly, Chris stood. He crossed his arms and continued to glare at Guy. Guy glared right back.

“Alright…..enough!” Will said. “You are both acting like children. “Now what we are going to do here is compromise. There are two gnomes in this box. We will put one of them in the garden. And the other one we can take back to the store.”

Both Guy and Chris opened their mouths to protest. But a serious glare from Will made them think twice. Reluctantly, Guy bent down and picked up one of the gnomes. “I’m sorry little guy, you’re going to have to go back to the store tomorrow.” He cradled it in his arms. Then he noticed the stares he was receiving.

“What!? I love this little guy!” Then he turned on his heels and brought it back to the truck.

“We really need to get that man a girlfriend,” Jonny whispered to Will. Will nodded.

“Take that box and put it on the front porch,” he told Jonny. If we even have any time to do any gardening today, thanks to Dumb and Dumber.”

“Hey!” Chris exclaimed. “I heard that! And for the record, Guy is Dumber.”

“Whatever, Chris. We need to get started on this if we are going to get anything accomplished before dark.”

“I guess you are right,” Chris admitted. “Come, Jonny! Let’s make magic happen!”
Jonny shocked himself by wishing Chris meant that in some other way. But he pushed those thoughts out of his mind and followed Chris to the backyard.

The four men worked hard and even in the few hours that had left to work that day they accomplished quite a bit. More than half the soil had been evenly distributed on top of the rocky surface that Chris had deemed the sight of the garden by the time the last sliver of sun slipped behind the horizon.

“Well I think we’ve done all we can do for today,” Will said.

“Yeah….I’m beat,” Guy added.

“I should probably be getting home now.”

“Don’t be ridiculous Will, it’s already pretty late, and my house has plenty of room. Why don’t you just stay here for the night? As a matter of fact, why don’t you both stay? That way we will be able to finish the garden bright and early tomorrow morning.”

“Thanks Jonny, that would be great.”

“Sounds like a plan to me,” Guy added.

“Alright, well if you give me a few minutes I will prepare the guest room, and one of you can take my room. I will sleep on the couch.”

“Don’t be silly Jonny! I am just a guest in your house too. I will take the couch, and either Guy or Will can have my room.”

“No, it’s okay Chris.”

“Jonny,” he said fervently, “I would really like to sleep on the couch.”

“What’s the big deal?”

“Because…..there’s no lock on the window in my room. What if the gnome gets me!?”

“Chris, if the gnome comes after you, you can come sleep with me. But if it would make you feel better, you can have the couch.”

They tried to whisper, but Guy and Will both heard them and exchanged looks. A plan was quickly forming in their heads.

“Guys, we’ll be right inside. First we will clean up the yard a little,” Will said.

“Yeah, it’s the least we can do, since you are letting us stay here and all,” added Guy.

“Alright,” Jonny said. “But don’t take too long, or the gnome might get you.”

“Hey!” Chris exclaimed.

“Kidding. I know the gnome is a serious threat.”

Once they were out of earshot, Guy rolled his eyes. “I don’t know how that man can tolerate Chris. I wouldn’t be able to call that piece of plastic a threat without laughing.”

“Well, he is in love with him,” Will noted. “Love messes with the mind.”

“That’s true,” Guy agreed.

“Now….if you are thinking what I am thinking, we need to-“

“Grab the gnome and place it in the living room for Chris to see!” Guy completed.

“Yes, exactly. And then he will go running to Jonny, taking his earlier statement completely seriously. Which, I’m sure, he did mean seriously, in some distant corner of his mind. By the way he acts around him, it’s pretty clear to me that Jonny would love nothing more than to share a bed with Chris.”

“Yeah, really,” Guy said. “It’s actually kind of revolting, the way he looks at him.”

“Oh stop, Guy. You’re just jealous because the only relationship you have had recently is with a plastic garden decoration.”

“Fuck off,” Guy told him. Then he stalked off to the front porch, picked up the gnome out of the box, and tucked it carefully it in the large front pocket of his sweatshirt.

Later that night, Jonny was sleeping peacefully in his room. Chris was tossing and turning on the couch. Will lay wide awake in the guest room, waiting to hear the plan go into effect. He heard the slight creak of the wood in the hallway as Guy crept out of Chris’s room, carrying the gnome in his hands.

Quietly, Guy placed it by the couch in a place where Chris would be sure to see it if he was woken up suddenly by, say, a loud noise. Perhaps like a spoon hitting a pan. Guy crept towards the kitchen, but stubbed his toe on some piece of furniture in the dark.

“Shit!” he whispered, but loud enough to wake Chris. Guy could hear him stirring. He hadn’t intended for things to turn out this way, but it worked just as well, and he quickly snuck back to Chris’s room before Chris noticed him standing there.

Not a minute after he was back in bed, he heard a loud cry from the other room. Then he heard the pounding of two feet, running, no, sprinting, down the hall and into Jonny’s room. Guy and Will heard whispers of exclamations, but they couldn’t make out what was being said.

Then there was nothing but silence. The two men decided there was nothing to do but wait until morning when they could see once and for all if their plan had been a success.

Early the next morning both men crept out of bed and down the hall to Jonny’s room. They peeked in through the door and grinned. Jonny was sleeping on his back with Chris’s head lying on his chest. His arm lay across Chris’s stomach. Both of them slept peacefully with smiles on their faces.

“Ahhh, gnomes” Guy whispered appreciatively. “I knew you wouldn’t let me down.”




THE END