Gnomes

Part 1

“Where are those two!!?? They have been gone for hours!”

“Of course they have Chris! That list you gave them was nearly a mile long!”

“It was not! That was just the basic essentials necessary for starting your very own garden. I read it all in the book!”

Jonny rolled his eyes as Chris picked up the large red book from the table he stood beside and waved it around wildly in the air. Chris had hardly put it down since he had begun reading it. Jonny almost regretted ever pointing it out to him.

He had just been trying to do a nice thing for the poor man. About a month or so ago his long time girlfriend had dumped him, and Chris had been feeling under the weather ever since. Jonny hated to see him so down. Chris had often mentioned a long time dream he had for starting his own garden one day. But after the breakup he had seemed to forget all of his quirky dreams.

Jonny decided that Chris needed a hobby, something to take his mind off of his aching heart. And one day while at some old bookstore which Guy had dragged them to, Jonny noticed the book. It was like a bright red sign. It seemed to speak to Jonny. “This is what Chris needs,” it said.

So Jonny grabbed Chris by his skinny little arm and pulled him over to it. Chris didn’t seem interested at first. The whole month since the breakup he had been much more distant. But after shoving the book into his hands Jonny somehow convinced him to actually open it. And once he started he didn’t stop. He read that book cover to cover. Jonny thought he might even have eaten or breathed in the words.

Because now he was certainly eating and breathing gardening. It was all he ever thought about, all he ever talked about. And there wasn’t even a garden yet. Jonny was actually beginning to get worried. But he figured that this was better than all the moping.

He was taken from his musings by the sound of Chris grumbling. He looked up to see the man pacing wildly back and forth on the patio of the home he shared with Jonny. It was technically Jonny’s place, but ever since the end of the relationship Chris said he couldn’t bear to live in his apartment anymore.

Jonny was more than willing to open his doors to the man. He had plenty of space, and if he was being honest, more times than not he felt lonely in the large place. It was nice to have another person there.

Someone to come home to. And even someone to fight with. Yes, he even enjoyed arguing with Chris. It was better than arguing with himself, which he had a tendency to do when he was alone with nothing but his thoughts.

Sometimes he still did argue with himself. Lately the arguments were worrying him. They were all centered around Chris. About whether or not he should do certain things. Should he ask him to go to the bar with him when he was looking particularly depressed? Should he hug him when he shivered with the cold? Would it be okay if he sat so close to him on the couch that their legs were touching?

He didn’t know what to think anymore. He had never wondered about these kinds of things before. Or maybe he had, just less frequently. But now that Chris was always around there were always questions like that nagging at him.

At one point he had become so troubled that he had brought the matter up with Guy and Will. They weren’t much help. They barely even said anything in reply. They just exchanged looks and then turned to him and shrugged. That was just a few days ago. And it left Jonny more confused than ever.

Once again Jonny was pulled sharply away from his thoughts when Chris uttered a cry of frustration. “Where are they!? The sun is setting! Look at it Jonny! It’s sunk more than halfway down the sky already!”

Jonny took a deep breath and prepared to try calming the excitable man. Then he let it out again in a sigh of relief when he saw Guy and Will coming through the back gate, large boxes filled with supplies in their arms.

Grunting, Guy set his box down hard on the table. “Geez Chris, why didn’t you just ask us to buy the store for you?”

“Don’t be such a little baby, Guy. So Chris wants a garden. I don’t think it’s much to ask, especially considering what he’s gone through recently.” He whispered the last part through clenched teeth so Chris couldn’t hear.

Guy grumbled loudly, but then went back to the front where the truck they had taken was parked. There were still several more boxes to unload. Most of them were filled with soil. Some contained various gardening tools. There was one box that was filled to the brim with all kinds of seeds, both for flowers and for vegetables. Chris had made it clear he wanted to start this garden from scratch.

Jonny helped Will and Guy to carry the remaining boxes out back. Chris was too busy panicking. At one point he actually began to yell at the sun. Then Jonny sat him down and gave him a lecture. That didn’t do much. Then Will gave him a harsh glare. He calmed down considerably after that. He even came around to the front and stood still long enough to overview the unloading of the boxes.

Everything was going fine until Guy grabbed the last box. When he walked by Chris, Chris saw the contents of the box and let out a shrill screech. Guy screamed in response and dropped the box on his foot.

“Fuck!” he yelled, hopping up and down. “What the hell Chris!”

Will hurried around front, followed by Jonny. “What’s with all racket over here?” he asked, not sounding too pleased. Jonny just watched the scene, trying not to chuckle.

Chris had a look of pure terror on his face, and Guy looked absolutely furious, yet at the same time it was hilarious to watch him bouncing around on one foot while Chris stared at the box with his eyes bulging out of his head as if he had seen a ghost.

Guy pointed at Chris and spoke through clenched teeth. “CHRIS happened,” he growled. “I was carrying the box and he started screeching like a fucking howler monkey during mating season! So I dropped the damn thing on my foot. I think it’s broken….,” he whimpered.

“Enough of your whining Guy. You sound like a little girl. Your foot is about as broken as that brand new record player I just bought.”

“Yeah…..about that. It might have had….an accident yesterday.”

Will’s face turned red. He looked like he was about to explode. “Take a deep breath,” Jonny advised him. He did, multiple times, before he managed to calm down again.

“Chris, why did you scream like that?” he asked, turning to the horrified man. “You act like you just got stabbed!”

“Oh Will….it’s FAR worse than that,” he replied, shakily.

“What, Chris?” Will rubbed his face with frustration.

“There…there…..there are GNOMES in that box!!!!”



Part 2

Will just stared at him. He couldn’t believe what he had just heard. He opened his mouth to say something, anything. But he was cut off by Guy.

“What’s wrong with gnomes!?” he asked. “I LIKE them!” He turned up his nose in a smug expression. “And that is why I bought them. They will make a great addition to the garden.”

“I will NEVER forgive you for this!” Chris declared, jabbing one long finger into Guy’s chest.

“YOU will never forgive ME!?” Guy exclaimed indignantly. “YOU’RE the one who broke my damn foot!”

“Your foot’s not broken! You’re standing on it!” Chris cried, pointing at Guy’s feet, both now planted firmly on the ground. “I’M the one with something broken! My poor little innocent spirit….utterly destroyed upon looking into the eyes of those horrible creatures!”

He fell dramatically to the ground and moaned. Guy rolled his eyes. Will shook his head. Jonny bent down and stretched out his hand to Chris. “Stand up, man. You are embarrassing yourself.” Reluctantly, Chris stood. He crossed his arms and continued to glare at Guy. Guy glared right back.

“Alright…..enough!” Will said. “You are both acting like children. “Now what we are going to do here is compromise. There are two gnomes in this box. We will put one of them in the garden. And the other one we can take back to the store.”

Both Guy and Chris opened their mouths to protest. But a serious glare from Will made them think twice. Reluctantly, Guy bent down and picked up one of the gnomes. “I’m sorry little guy, you’re going to have to go back to the store tomorrow.” He cradled it in his arms. Then he noticed the stares he was receiving.

“What!? I love this little guy!” Then he turned on his heels and brought it back to the truck.

“We really need to get that man a girlfriend,” Jonny whispered to Will. Will nodded.

“Take that box and put it on the front porch,” he told Jonny. If we even have any time to do any gardening today, thanks to Dumb and Dumber.”

“Hey!” Chris exclaimed. “I heard that! And for the record, Guy is Dumber.”

“Whatever, Chris. We need to get started on this if we are going to get anything accomplished before dark.”

“I guess you are right,” Chris admitted. “Come, Jonny! Let’s make magic happen!”
Jonny shocked himself by wishing Chris meant that in some other way. But he pushed those thoughts out of his mind and followed Chris to the backyard.

The four men worked hard and even in the few hours that had left to work that day they accomplished quite a bit. More than half the soil had been evenly distributed on top of the rocky surface that Chris had deemed the sight of the garden by the time the last sliver of sun slipped behind the horizon.

“Well I think we’ve done all we can do for today,” Will said.

“Yeah….I’m beat,” Guy added.

“I should probably be getting home now.”

“Don’t be ridiculous Will, it’s already pretty late, and my house has plenty of room. Why don’t you just stay here for the night? As a matter of fact, why don’t you both stay? That way we will be able to finish the garden bright and early tomorrow morning.”

“Thanks Jonny, that would be great.”

“Sounds like a plan to me,” Guy added.

“Alright, well if you give me a few minutes I will prepare the guest room, and one of you can take my room. I will sleep on the couch.”

“Don’t be silly Jonny! I am just a guest in your house too. I will take the couch, and either Guy or Will can have my room.”

“No, it’s okay Chris.”

“Jonny,” he said fervently, “I would really like to sleep on the couch.”

“What’s the big deal?”

“Because…..there’s no lock on the window in my room. What if the gnome gets me!?”

“Chris, if the gnome comes after you, you can come sleep with me. But if it would make you feel better, you can have the couch.”

They tried to whisper, but Guy and Will both heard them and exchanged looks. A plan was quickly forming in their heads.

“Guys, we’ll be right inside. First we will clean up the yard a little,” Will said.

“Yeah, it’s the least we can do, since you are letting us stay here and all,” added Guy.

“Alright,” Jonny said. “But don’t take too long, or the gnome might get you.”

“Hey!” Chris exclaimed.

“Kidding. I know the gnome is a serious threat.”

Once they were out of earshot, Guy rolled his eyes. “I don’t know how that man can tolerate Chris. I wouldn’t be able to call that piece of plastic a threat without laughing.”

“Well, he is in love with him,” Will noted. “Love messes with the mind.”

“That’s true,” Guy agreed.

“Now….if you are thinking what I am thinking, we need to-“

“Grab the gnome and place it in the living room for Chris to see!” Guy completed.

“Yes, exactly. And then he will go running to Jonny, taking his earlier statement completely seriously. Which, I’m sure, he did mean seriously, in some distant corner of his mind. By the way he acts around him, it’s pretty clear to me that Jonny would love nothing more than to share a bed with Chris.”

“Yeah, really,” Guy said. “It’s actually kind of revolting, the way he looks at him.”

“Oh stop, Guy. You’re just jealous because the only relationship you have had recently is with a plastic garden decoration.”

“Fuck off,” Guy told him. Then he stalked off to the front porch, picked up the gnome out of the box, and tucked it carefully it in the large front pocket of his sweatshirt.

Later that night, Jonny was sleeping peacefully in his room. Chris was tossing and turning on the couch. Will lay wide awake in the guest room, waiting to hear the plan go into effect. He heard the slight creak of the wood in the hallway as Guy crept out of Chris’s room, carrying the gnome in his hands.

Quietly, Guy placed it by the couch in a place where Chris would be sure to see it if he was woken up suddenly by, say, a loud noise. Perhaps like a spoon hitting a pan. Guy crept towards the kitchen, but stubbed his toe on some piece of furniture in the dark.

“Shit!” he whispered, but loud enough to wake Chris. Guy could hear him stirring. He hadn’t intended for things to turn out this way, but it worked just as well, and he quickly snuck back to Chris’s room before Chris noticed him standing there.

Not a minute after he was back in bed, he heard a loud cry from the other room. Then he heard the pounding of two feet, running, no, sprinting, down the hall and into Jonny’s room. Guy and Will heard whispers of exclamations, but they couldn’t make out what was being said.

Then there was nothing but silence. The two men decided there was nothing to do but wait until morning when they could see once and for all if their plan had been a success.

Early the next morning both men crept out of bed and down the hall to Jonny’s room. They peeked in through the door and grinned. Jonny was sleeping on his back with Chris’s head lying on his chest. His arm lay across Chris’s stomach. Both of them slept peacefully with smiles on their faces.

“Ahhh, gnomes” Guy whispered appreciatively. “I knew you wouldn’t let me down.”




THE END

Dressed To Please

I was late
For a very important date.
This was one I could not miss.
I had to see Jonny.
On this I did insist.

So to my room I go
And under a pillow
Was a shirt.
I put it on.
Sure, that’ll work.

I grab a pair of pants
And I do a little dance
Because they’re black,
And black goes with everything.
Unless I’m on crack?

Now I needed shoes
But I found it hard to choose.
It was muddy outside,
And I needed to look nice.
So the sandals I denied.

Now with boots on my feet
I stepped out onto the street.
But weather was not warm.
So I went back inside
To give my dress a quick reform.

I wrapped a scarf around my neck
And was toasty in a sec.
For good measure I added a hat.
I felt much better now
And was out the door in seconds flat.

Hurriedly I made my way
Down London streets by the light of day.
Soon I reached the desired place.
I moved my eyes around
And they it lit up when they saw his face.

He was just standing there
His beauty more than I could bear.
He smiled at me.
Then held me close.
“You’re just the man I’ve been waiting to see.”

He looked me up and down then laughed.
“Sorry, I don’t mean to chaff.”
“Your clothes just look so funny.”
I frowned and so he kissed me hard.
“But it’s okay, I still love you honey.”

Parks and Recreation

Part 1-Parks

Spring fever was running rampant throughout the body and soul of every human being in my little town. Everyone was affected by it. All the retired folks were lounging on their porches, sipping lemonade and chatting amiably. Homeowners everywhere were proudly mowing their lawns for the first time that year. Happy gardeners were tending to their prized gardens, trimming bushes and pulling weeds. And I could already smell the first of the year's barbeques.

But no one here was ever more affected by the changing seasons than the children. Kids of all ages relished the chance to enjoy everything that spring had to offer them. Toddlers giddily stomped around in the freshly cut front lawns of their parents. Elementary school children rode around on bicycles and skateboards. Some young teens on my block organized teams and played rugby in the street, as they do every year.

And me? Well, I didn't really enjoy any of that stuff. But I loved to be outside all the same. As soon as I caught that first whiff of springtime air I had to surround myself in it. I've always hated being cooped up indoors. Fresh air was my best friend. Well, fresh air and Jonny. Thus Jonny was the unfortunate soul I dragged along with me after school hours on the first warm day in months.

"Where are we going?" he asked with mock annoyance.

I grinned rather widely in his direction. "The park, obviously."

He rolled his eyes. "I should've known."

Yes it's true, I was a sixteen year old boy who loved nothing better on a spring day than to visit the park. Jonny always told me I was like a giant five year old. I can't say I disagree with him. I loved the park more than any other place. I felt kind of bad dragging Jonny along with me. But I really needed this today. School had been rough.

It had started off quite well. I found out that I had gotten the lead role in our school's musical. Apparently Jonny wasn't lying when he told me I was a great singer, although I still wouldn't go so far as to say I was great. But I was good enough for my school, and that filled me with joy.

I was elated. No one could bring me down. Well, until some gang of senior guys did, literally. They saw me in the hallway, merrily humming a little tune as I walked to class. They surrounded me with surprising speed and knocked my books onto the ground, shortly followed by me. The warning bell rang and they scurried away, laughing.

I tried hard not to cry, but I was really hurting. My knee had made contact with the floor, hard, and left it bruised and swollen. I couldn't keep a few tears from sliding down my cheeks. I suppose I should've known this would happen. I was accustomed to being bullied at school. Jonny always told me that he wished I had never admitted being gay, because he couldn't stand to see me getting abused this way. But I wanted people to know. Even if it meant getting beat up on a near daily basis.

But boy was I lucky to have Jonny. That time, like so many other times before, he helped me up and gave me some comforting words, and I forgot all about my injury. They were always along the lines of how I was better than they were and that they were just jealous. It was all so ridiculous, but it made me feel better. Without him I don't know how I would have survived a single school day.

I think my bad experience that day was a large part of the reason that Jonny agreed to accompany me on my crazy park visit. We walked side by side, not saying a word. With us it wasn't always necessary to communicate verbally. Some things we just knew, like our mutual desire to silently enjoy the lovely weather. I felt the warm sun on my face and the gentle breeze on my skin. In what felt like no time at all, we had walked the up the path that lead to the quaint little park.

It was quiet and secluded. All around us were trees with brand new leaves, freshly cut grass, and flowers. But I set my sights immediately on the swings, my absolute favorite thing there.

"Race you!" I shouted playfully at Jonny. I saw him roll his eyes again, but he nodded and after my five second countdown we were off. I won easily as I had always been an excellent runner. I had already made myself comfortable on a swing by the time Jonny caught up, breathing heavily.

"Chris," he gasped, "your energy level astounds me." I just grinned and began to pump my legs. Jonny hopped on the swing beside me and did the same, although much slower. Jonny had always been a more laid back person than me. I was just a big ball of hyperactive energy. And swinging was an excellent way to get it out.

Soon I was flying high above the ground, stretching my feet up towards the clouds, only to be whisked back down by gravity moments later. Pathetic as it sounds, this was a real thrill for me. I loved the feel of the wind on my face and the pull of my muscles as I exercised them further and further. Sometimes I would close my eyes and lean my head back so that my curls nearly grazed the ground below.

This would really freak Jonny out. His eyes would widen and he would beg me to stop. I would just laugh. Jonny acted like a doting parent towards me. He was so cautious. I guess that made us perfect for each other; one man careless and the other careful.

A perfect example of our contrasting personalities was later on that day, when off in the distance I saw the same group of guys that had pushed me down earlier. I called out to them, stupidly. I mocked them and called them names, shouting insulting things to the heavens. Jonny tried to shut me up, but I was on top of the world.

In one dramatic motion I jumped off of the swing and landed with a graceful thud on the dirt below. I waved my arms wildly and beckoned to the guys, daring them to come over. I should probably take this opportunity to point out that I do really, really brainless things-a lot. I must really stress Jonny out with all of my ridiculous antics.

On that day I could see how anxious he looked. His brow was creased into a deeply worried line that stretched across his forehead. He finally managed to convince me to shut my big mouth, but by then it was already too late. The guys were already approaching us. I suddenly began to sweat. I didn't' feel so cool anymore, that's for sure.



Part 2-Recreation

Soon the biggest of them was right in front of me. He grinned nastily.

"Oh look, the little girlie wants to play." The other guys snickered. "Well okay, Chrissy. Let's have ourselves little fun, shall we?"

He raised his fist and I braced myself for the blow. But it didn't come. I cautiously opened my eyes and was shocked by what I saw. The guy had been forced backwards on his feet and into his friends when his face came into contact with a fist. Jonny's fist. Bleeding from his upper lip, he shot us looks of pure hatred. We looked at each other and our eyes said the same thing. "Run!" they cried, and we ran.

I got ahead of them quickly, but Jonny was much slower and soon the gang was catching up with him. In a panic I ran back to Jonny and tried to pull him along. But it was too late. They had surrounded us. The main guy didn't waste any time. He raised a fist towards Jonny.

"No!" I cried, and jumped in between the two of them. I had some sort of strange delusion that this would make them go away and leave us alone. What happened instead was me receiving a fist square in the face. It was so forceful that I fell back and landed on the ground in the dirt and the mud. Moments later Jonny was sprawled beside me, having met the same fate.

Then the guys left, cackling like hyenas and high fiving each other. We had mud all over us. Both of our faces sported red marks that were quickly darkening into bruises. Slowly we turned to look at each other, bruised and lying in the mud, and we began to laugh.

We laughed and laughed, and soon our laughter turned hysterical. We laughed until we cried and until our sides ached with the effort. Then we just lay there, the sun warming our bruised faces and drying the mud on our bodies. Again we turned to look at each other.

I am not sure what came over me then. I had never been attracted to Jonny before. But at that moment the green of the surrounding foliage was nothing compared to the green of his eyes. And I don't know, maybe it was the injury keeping me from thinking clearly, or maybe it was the warm weather that was making me loopy, but I leaned in and kissed him passionately on the lips.

He didn't respond negatively. He didn't pull back, or even hesitate. And maybe it was his own bruised face, or the nice weather, but he wrapped his arms around my neck and forcefully kissed me back. It could have been a number of things, but whatever it was, it was empowering.

Our kiss stretched out to fill seemingly endless lengths of time. All the while we grew more forceful and more passionate. Our tongues intertwined. Jonny let out a soft moan, and I pushed myself onto him, so that I was on top of him completely. Still there was no protest. I took that as a green light, a go ahead signal.

Still kissing him, I slowly began to unbutton his shirt. I was glad he had worn this shirt today, and not some regular t-shirt, or I might have had to stop kissing him to remove it. And that was the last thing I wanted to do. The shirt was off now; I had thrown it into the mud. I slid my hands down his sides and he shivered. I began to move my lips down from his mouth to his neck, and finally down to his chest, stomach, and abdomen.

I grabbed at the button on his pants. He grabbed my hand. "Wait," he gasped. He reached out and unbuttoned my own shirt, throwing it casually to the side.

"I want to know how you feel too," he whispered. He gently skimmed my chest, stomach, and sides with his fingertips.

I shivered with pleasure and then could wait no longer. I forcefully grabbed at his pants. It began to rain. It was to be expected. It was England, after all. The precipitation didn't stop us though. The increasing mud made it easy for me to strip Jonny of his jeans. The motion also caused him to slide closer to me. He grabbed at my own pants, and soon we were pressed close to each other, only our undergarments between us.

"Are you sure you want to do this, out in public and everything?" Jonny asked.

The rain answered his question by suddenly coming down much harder. We could hardly see each other's faces, with the already dimming light of the evening made even less by the sudden downpour. To anyone else around we were invisble.

"Yes," I replied and immediately reached down to remove the last bit of clothing from Jonny. Jonny followed suit immediately.

"I want this," I whispered in his ear.

"I need this," he whispered back. And then we were rolling around with each other, completely naked, yet clothed in mud. The rain soaked my hair and it hung down in my face. Jonny brushed it aside and pinned me down with a kiss.

I don't know just how or why, but on that evening we not only wanted to have each other, we needed to have each other, in this way and every way. Maybe it was hormones, maybe it was the fever. The spring fever. I'm sure if anyone else had known about our actions that time in the park, they would all have their thoughts, their speculations.

I've got my money on the fever. In fact, I think I've still got it to this day because ever since then, whenever I look at Jonny I feel things I never thought I would feel. Yes, I believe on that night I caught the spring fever. And over the years I've learned something. This kind of fever isn't something that goes away after a few hours or a few days. No, this fever burns forever in your heart.



THE END